Parental alienation (PA)
This phenomenon has been described in 1985 by Richard Gardner.
The definition of PA is that a child takes a distance from one of the parents, whom the child loved before the conflict or divorce, due to manipulation or "brainwashing" of the alienating parent (alienator).
Richard Gardner defined PA as follows:
"The parental alienation syndrome (PAS) is a childhood disorder that arises almost exclusively in the context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child''s campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification. It results from the combination of a programming (brainwashing) parent's indoctrinations and the child's own contributions to the vilification of the target parent.
When true parental abuse and/or neglect is present, the child's animosity may be justified and so the parental alienation syndrome explanation for the child's hostility is not applicable."(R.A. Gardner. A brief introduction to PAS. Basic Facts About The Parental Alienation Syndrome)
Specialists who work with children affected by PA note that even when a child has been truly abused, they may still feel pity and love for the abuser, which are adequate emotions.
Complete animosity, denial, and disregard for all positive past experiences with the rejected parents is a typical sign of PA.
Parental alienation
Reflections on Parental Alienation (PA)
For those who are affected by parental alienation, it's important to ask yourselves: Why did this happen to me? One must take responsibility for how you once entered into a relationship with the that person and chose to have children. The likely answer is that you genuinely believed in that person's goodness, trusted, and hoped to build a life together.
Once you acknowledge that you as an adult was enchanted and deceived, it becomes easier to understand how much more vulnerable a child is to the same manipulation.
Understanding the Alienator
It is common for the alienating parent to exhibit personality traits associated with emotional immaturity and features of narcissism, psychopathy and problems in their original family. In alienators mind personal unhealthy post-divorce sorrow and need for revenge against the other parent outweighs their child's fundamental need for a healthy relationship with both parents. The act of alienation feeds their ego, giving them a false sense of strength, control, and victory. In some cases, paranoid believe that the other parent is bad or falsely imagined or created view that it is "dangerous" play a role in driving their actions.
Characteristics of the Rejected Parent
The rejected parent is often a kind-hearted individual who values truth, justice, and the belief that people are inherently good. They trust that fairness should prevail—especially when it comes to children.
But why does such a good and caring parent become rejected, not only by the alienating parent but even by their own child?
Could it be that their deep faith in kindness, justice, and fairness has placed them in a passive role, expecting others to behave with the same goodwill and integrity?
Breaking Free from Frustration
I have been following discussions in forums on PA that reflect frustration, hopelessness, and even anger, along with expectations that:
- The alienating parent will change.
- The child will eventually see the truth.
- Social services or therapy will help.
- The legal system will deliver justice.
But what if a small mindset shift could start changing the situation?
Instead of waiting in frustration, what if the rejected parent would take adult responsibility and ask (before it is too late and the child is totally lost): what can I do to change this situation myself?
5 Key mindset shifts that may help the rejected parent to achieve a shift:
A truly confident parent leads with trust, not control.
A mentally and emotionally strong parent expresses love by believing in and trusting their child as an individual. In contrast, a insecure parent tries to control the child under the guise of love.The alienator's actions stem from deep insecurity.
A parent who alienates a child has low self-esteem and a poor self-image—so much so that they resort to using an innocent child as a weapon against the rejected parent.I trust in my child's intelligence and resilience.
I believe my child has a strong personality and a sharp mind. Sooner or later, the child will recognize the truth for themselves.Children lean toward the emotionally stronger and more secure of the parents.
A golden rule: At any given moment, a child will align with the parent who appears emotionally and mentally confident and stronger.Frustration, blame, and waiting for help only weaken you.
The more you dwell in frustration, blame, and helplessness, the weaker you become. That's why you keep losing—to both the ex and the child. To regain power, you must shift the mindset and take action.
BUILD UP YOUR SELF-CONFIDENCE AND SELF-ESTEEM!
It is easier to fool people, than to convince them being fooled (Mark Twain).