Parental alienation

This phenomenon has been described in 1985 by Richard Gardner.

The definition of PA is that a child takes a distance from one of the parents, whom the child loved before the conflict or divorce, due to manipulation or "brainwashing" of the alienating parent (alienator).

Richard Gardner defined PA as follows:

"The parental alienation syndrome (PAS) is a childhood disorder that arises almost exclusively in the context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child''s campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification. It results from the combination of a programming (brainwashing) parent's indoctrinations and the child's own contributions to the vilification of the target parent.

When true parental abuse and/or neglect is present, the child's animosity may be justified and so the parental alienation syndrome explanation for the child's hostility is not applicable."(R.A. Gardner. A brief introduction to PAS. Basic Facts About The Parental Alienation Syndrome)

Specialists who work with children and need to differentiate between if a child is affected by PA or true abuse, note that even when a child has been truly abused or neglected because of parents substance use etc, they may still feel pity and love for the abuser or negligent parent, which are adequate emotions.

Complete animosity, denial, and disregard for all positive current or past experiences with the rejected parents is a typical sign of PA.

Reflections on Parental Alienation (PA)

For those who are affected by parental alienation, it's important to ask yourselves: Why did this happen to me? One must take responsibility for how you once entered into a relationship with that person and chose to have children. The likely answer is that you genuinely believed in that person's goodness, trusted, and hoped to build a life together.

Once you acknowledge that you as an adult was enchanted and deceived by the same person, it becomes easier to understand how much more vulnerable a child is to the same manipulation.

Understanding the Alienator

It is common for the alienating parent to exhibit personality traits associated with emotional immaturity and features of narcissism, psychopathy and problems in their original family. In alienators mind personal unhealthy post-divorce sorrow and need for revenge against the other parent outweighs their view on child's fundamental need for a healthy relationship with both parents. The act of alienation feeds their ego, giving them a false sense of strength, control, and victory. In some cases, paranoid believe that the other parent is unsuitable, or falsely imagined, or created view that it is "dangerous" play a role in driving their actions.

Characteristics of the Rejected Parent

The rejected parent is often a kind-hearted individual who values truth, justice, and the belief that people are inherently good. They trust that fairness should prevail—especially when it comes to children.

But why does such a good and caring parent become rejected, not only by the alienating parent but even by their own child?

Could it be that their deep faith in kindness, justice, and fairness has placed them in a passive role, expecting others to behave with the same goodwill and integrity?

Breaking Free from Frustration

I have been following discussions in forums on PA that reflect frustration, hopelessness, and even anger, along with expectations that:

• The alienating parent will change.
• The child will eventually believe my arguments that the alienator is "wrong".
• Social services will see the truth and believe "my story".
• The legal system will deliver justice.

But what if a small mindset shift could start changing the situation?

Instead of waiting in frustration, what if the rejected parent would take adult responsibility and ask (before it is too late and the child is totally lost): what can I do to change this situation myself?

PA symptom or criteria identified by R. Gardner, acknowledged internationally in communities, social services and court systems in some countries (US, Danmark, but not Sweden)

1. A campaign of denigration.
2. Weak, absurd, or frivolous rationalizations for the deprecation.
3. Lack of ambivalence.
4. The "independent-thinker" phenomenon.
5. Reflexive support of the alienating parent in the parental conflict.
6. Absence of guilt over cruelty to and/or exploitation of the alienated parent.
7. The presence of borrowed scenarios.
8. Spread of the animosity to the friends and/or extended family of the alienated parent.
9. False and fabricated accusations and formation of false memories is a very typical and strong indicator of PA.

17 alienation strategies used by the driving parent:

1. Badmouthing about the rejected parent, directly or indirectly.

2. Limiting contact between the rejected parent and the child.

3. Interfering with communication.

4. Interfering with symbolic communication (gift, memories and thoughts).

5. Withdrawal of love - if the child express something positive about the rejected parent.

6. Telling child that the target parent does not love the child, blame for divorce etc.

7. Forcing child to choose in intentionally created or fabricated situations.

8. Creating and fabricating impression that the target parent is dangerous, violent or abuser.

9. Confiding the child "secrets"about the rejected parents "bad behaviour" to create emotional and empathetic alignment with the alienator.

10. Forcing the child to reject the targeted parent in intentionally created situations.

11. Asking the child to spy on the target parent.

12. Asking the child to keep away secrets from the target parent.

13. Calling the target parent by name, but not by "mother" or "father".

14.Encouraging to call the step parent to entitle "mom" or "dad".

15. Withholding important or information from the rejected parent to cause missing and suffering.

16. Change the child's surname so the child does not feel to belong to the previous family.

17. Alienator cultivates dependancy upon him/her and undermines authority of the rejected parent.

Rejection can extend to the whole family and friends of the targeted parent, so the child looses love and connection with that part as well.

Source: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/265526409. Behaviors and Strategies Employed in Parental Alienation: A Survey of Parental Experiences. Article in Journal of Divorce & Remarriage · January 2006.